A long long time ago...

The gym upstairs at work has six different weight machines, and 3 of them have been broken for a month or two now. This would be surprising, except for the fact that all of them might have been made as part or roosevelts goverment job building programs of the 1930's...

So how about that netting...

May i have your attention please:
Spit guards will now be required for all people who are close talkers. Thanks you.

I'm #1 !!! I'm #1! !!

My coworker just told me that i'm number 1.

Thats what the middle finger is for, right?

There's a wall between us....

So i got a sneak peak at the newly remodled bathroom here at work, and there has never been anything more exciting in my work life. There is now a wall between were people shower and where i can use the bathroom.

I never have to worry about losing my appetite again!

2 + 2 = a long walk

There is a gym here at work that i try to go up to and exercise twice a week.

I bring this up only because everyday i'm willing to circle the parking lots for hours looking for a parking space 20 feet closer.

A Reverse Stripper

I was bet $5 by a coworker that i wouldn't wear this ridiculously ugly velvet christmas vest around for the day. How childish, right? who pays people in singles...

Also inappropriate for Foriegn Policy:

They say that honesty is the best policy, but that might not apply when telling a sales rep that I'll just mess up there clients orders enough times so that they have to do it themselves, and that way of thinking is a general strategy of mine.

Lets do, the time warp, again!

You definately know you're late when the people who start there shift 30 minutes after you are there before you...

Now if i can just stop this from happening the 20 or 25 times a year that it does...

That einstein sure was Einstein-y

Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

This comes to mind today as one of my coworkers asked the same question three times in a row, and all three times got the same exact answer. Maybe he meant that it will drive the other people crazy...

The king and his Castle

So with the current recession, there have been whisperings and mumbling about upcoming firings, or "layoffs" as they are politely called, and i decided that it won't be me who is fired.

Not because of some awesome work productivity, or excellent communication skills, but because the Jester never gets fired by the Royal family, and i'm the enetertainment.

Office empires weren't built in a day.

The day before major holidays at work is a completely bi-polar experience. There is food everywhere, people are all relaxed, you're walking around and talking, and then you get back to your desk, and you forgot that there is a big pile of work sitting there for you.

I wondered if this is how the Romans felt...

Formal Warning

Memo to the world:
Don't "shush" me

I'll be the tiger, and you'll be sigfreid.

Who would have thought, it figured?

I think that there should be a government infomercial, also shown at all offices, that lets people know that %90 of the time that they use the word "ironic", they actually mean "coincidental". I know this is me being anal, but college educated, "professional" business people should know.

Whatareya gonna get...

When your boss's boss goes literally sprinting down the aisle behind you, it really makes you ponder the reason why.

I'm guessing: Hot pocket was burning.

Is this one of those " if you can't fix it, duck it" times?

So for awhile now my work has refused to take out the ultraviolet lights directly above my head, which cause me headaches on a regular basis. So today, after almost everyone left, i stood on my desk and took the out myself.

Sure, i cracked the entire light covering, but the scotch tape keeping the whole thing up is barely noticable...

DeEvolution

Everytime i have to retell a story at work it gets a little bit shorter each time, as if going from the novel to the cliffnotes version.

I'm guessing this is how cavemen started grunting, there were only 50 of them, and they had the same stories over and over.

Acronym L.O.V.E.

Attention:
Guy who decided everything needs to be an acronym:

Justify your Existance you Righteous Knucklehead

The tall boy and the hypocrate bear....

Having headphones on at work is the universal sign that you don't want to be talked to unless it's really important.

Apparently the person next to me didn't get the memo...

Is she having a seizure....

Today at work i uttered the phrase:

They were bracing for Hurricane Dance.

That is all.

Oh.My.God Becky....

Today at work, a co-worker and i were having a civil discussion about whether "Butts" or "Weiner" were a funnier last name in a shipping address...

Nothing but the utmost professionalism here at work.