Office empires weren't built in a day.

The day before major holidays at work is a completely bi-polar experience. There is food everywhere, people are all relaxed, you're walking around and talking, and then you get back to your desk, and you forgot that there is a big pile of work sitting there for you.

I wondered if this is how the Romans felt...

Formal Warning

Memo to the world:
Don't "shush" me

I'll be the tiger, and you'll be sigfreid.

Who would have thought, it figured?

I think that there should be a government infomercial, also shown at all offices, that lets people know that %90 of the time that they use the word "ironic", they actually mean "coincidental". I know this is me being anal, but college educated, "professional" business people should know.

Whatareya gonna get...

When your boss's boss goes literally sprinting down the aisle behind you, it really makes you ponder the reason why.

I'm guessing: Hot pocket was burning.

Is this one of those " if you can't fix it, duck it" times?

So for awhile now my work has refused to take out the ultraviolet lights directly above my head, which cause me headaches on a regular basis. So today, after almost everyone left, i stood on my desk and took the out myself.

Sure, i cracked the entire light covering, but the scotch tape keeping the whole thing up is barely noticable...

DeEvolution

Everytime i have to retell a story at work it gets a little bit shorter each time, as if going from the novel to the cliffnotes version.

I'm guessing this is how cavemen started grunting, there were only 50 of them, and they had the same stories over and over.

Acronym L.O.V.E.

Attention:
Guy who decided everything needs to be an acronym:

Justify your Existance you Righteous Knucklehead

The tall boy and the hypocrate bear....

Having headphones on at work is the universal sign that you don't want to be talked to unless it's really important.

Apparently the person next to me didn't get the memo...

Is she having a seizure....

Today at work i uttered the phrase:

They were bracing for Hurricane Dance.

That is all.

Oh.My.God Becky....

Today at work, a co-worker and i were having a civil discussion about whether "Butts" or "Weiner" were a funnier last name in a shipping address...

Nothing but the utmost professionalism here at work.

5 out of 4 people are bad at math....

I do realize that math in this country doesn't seem to be a strong point, but someone should let the presenter of the last meeting know that %42 is not "about %50", especially when it comes to tens of millions of dollars.

I'm guessing this is how Enron ended up doing so well....

Thaw the turkey before you deepfry it...

Today we had a location wide meeting (population 274) about how we aren't hitting our sales goals.

Meanwhile, during this hour and ten minute meeting, most of the sales reps were off the phone, in the meeting...

sigh.

Health Note:

Memo to guy who walks around naked after taking a shower in work bathroom.

You are the number one cause of accidental male bulemia in this workplace.

One of these things is not like the other...

So in our vending machine for drinks there is an entire row (c1-c9) that is entirely bottled water, all the same brand, the same kind. For some reason i pick "c4" every time.

I wonder if i'm missing out on some magical taste sensations in the other rows, but i'm afraid if i pick a different one, it won't be as cool and refreshing...

The Adams Family

So i haven't called off a day in over four months. I'm not a creature who likes to come to work for that long consecutively.

Those people are called "freaks".

Rock, paper, scissors

Is there some sort of concept that i am missing about showing up to work early? I'm the only one in my group that isn't here 10 minutes early, and i'm pretty sure i'm not missing anything.

Except that weird secret handshake they have...

Cement Shoes

So we found out who the "snitch" is in out group, the one that's been telling on everybody, and well, haha, you know what we do to snitches in the office world:

Promotion to Upper Management.

If you should go skating, on the thin ice...

The rumor around town is that someone in a position that i want may or may not be getting "let go".

Sure, i feel like a terrible human being for wanting it to happen, but then the vision of the paycheck dances around in my head, and i feel like a horrible person with goals...

Closin' what you're opening...

There are people working on our roof today, and they had all the vents closed off...

I might be paranoid, but i think theyre slowly trying to trap us in here...

The end of everything as we know it.

Technically speaking, the system crashing isn't the end of the free world as we know, But from the looks on people faces, and the statements coming out of thier mouths, i feel like i should be climbing into a bomb shelter.



Hopefully there's a working wireless internet in there...

The Ying and the Yang

Antagonizing co-workers is one of my favorite work past times, it really makes the day go by faster.

Well, for one of us.

Outside the bubble

Wearing political buttons at work might seem like a no-no to people who are afraid to offend others.

I'm sure glad i'm not one of those people.

Help Desk 101

Attn: workers with limited computer skills:

The computer is not personally out to get you, it does not hold grudges, and yelling at it doesn't do a whole lot to improve the situation. Thank you.