GameShow

"I was glad to have 4 days off, but i'm happy to be back at work"

What is: Things i will never, ever say in my lifetime.

Level Orange

"Terrorism"

is not the proper response when asked in a meeting

"What are some of the biggest threats for our business in the 4th quater?"

Sweet Sweet Sounds

The only thing more beautiful than the sweet sounds of nothingness being whispered in your ear is:

Someone chewing an apple while ordering from you on the phone.

mmmmmmm

i'm giving it %110

Was reheating the pasta that was left on the tables for 6 hours in the break room a good idea?

Probably Not.

Was it still worth it?

Absolutely.

Prophecy from the lunch room

You know how i can tell that the economy is recovering? It's not by the stock market, or any sort of financial index.

It's when the vendors here at work start buying us lunches again.

And you know what my children? Go forth and spend, thy stomach be full, the recession is over!!!

My five year plan

I took a very important half day last week, leaving at 1:30 in the afternoon. Doctors Appointment? No. Dentist? No. Car Mechanic? No. Getting my 4th Tattoo? Yes.

I'm all about priorities.

We all need goals

I am so ridiculously jealous of one of my coworkers. She has achieved the one thing that i am genuinley trying to achieve in my work experience: Retirement.

Office Advice Column

Dear Sir,
Telling me that a woman is like a flower that needs to be showered with compliments in order not to wilt is fine, but doing so after arguing with me about the cost of an already low office product puts your sincerity skills in serious peril.

Ironing

In case you were wondering. No, the irony did not escape me when i was running from the building to my car in a thunderstorm, and happened to be carrying a bottled water.

Part of my training was mind reading.

Guy on phone: I need a part for a machine
Me: Ok sir, what machine is that?
Guy: Well, i don't know.
Me: ..........
Guy: Can you help me?

At this point i wished i could have said: Sir, unless a slap to the back of the head is help, no, i can't help you.

And by the grace of...

A guy on the phone yelled at me today, screaming (and i quote)

" YOU GUY'S ARE (__insert Company Name___), YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KNOW EVERYTHING!"

To which in my head i thought: Sir, we are neither God, nor Google, the best power i have is to hang up on you.

Like shoots and ladders

So i received a promotion, and today was my first full day. As a reward, i got to stay 15 minutes past the end of my shift doing work!

Somehow i think theres no going back....

So i don't usually do this

This is not a Work related blog, this is just a quick blog to say THANK YOU to AsiaLife Magazine for directing thier readers to this sight. It is very, very appreciated!

And we now return you to your regularly scheduled sarcasm...

Neosporin anyone?

(Referring to her McFlurry)

Coworker: I'm just going to take this top off

Me: I bet thats not the first time youve said that in your life.


BURN.

So THIS is irony

So today is earth day, and to celebrate at work, we had :

a book Fair!

I love books and all, but you know, those pesky pages inside are made with, um, well... you know.

shhh

opposite day.

A co worker of mine is going on a nice, sunny vacation next week, and has been complaining like crazy about trying to lose weight.
This morning she order an italian sub, no lettuce, with mayo.

That'll work.

Like Casper

There is nothing like the feeling of someone who sits right next to you ignoring your emails. I heard the beep, i saw you look at the first line popping up! Then you just go ahead and start typing away.

I'm going to start pretending its grave medical news that needs immediate opening...

One, two, One two three four!

You know that troupe "Stomp", where everyone takes everyday things and makes cool music out of it? Its like that here, but with coughing and sniffling.

and its not cool.

At work ADHD

So in the very same day, i learned that no one is getting pay raises, and i now have to work 30 minutes later at night. The three days immediately following this, we have venders come in and give us free lunches, as if thats going to stop us from being mad about.... um, about.... you know, the thing...

damn.

Check 1 2. Check 1 2

To the coworkers who never listen to what someone else is say:

Ah, who am i kidding, you're not paying attention.

Definition of "work"

"Hey, youre a computer guy, can you see if you can get me some discount on airfare that i'm booking today?"

when i asked "does anybody need any help?", that wasn't exactly what i intended...

Old man on the front porch

Mental Note:
If my day is teetering on the brink of being a good or a bad day, and i want for it to fall towards good, do not log in to look at my 401K retirement.

I'm going to have to work til i'm 90, when i can call everyone "whipper-snappers"

Better than a "note to self"

We received and email at work telling us not to "sell out clients short" by spending time on our march madness gambling, which reminds me,

I need to fill out my second NCAA bracket...

My mind is wandering to a creepy hotel...

All work and no caffeine makes me a dull boy...

enieffac...
enieffac...
enieffac...

like cinderella

The person that sit next have a tape dispenser that is a guy sitting on a toilet, you pull the tape out of his hands and tear it at his feet. Also, inside the toilet part, paper clips are kept by a magnet.

She's a classy broad.

Advice Column

The next time someone at work asks me for advice, i am going to immediately give them the worst advice that comes to mind. Example:

Them: Hey Man, what should i do for lunch?

Me: Sleep with your boyfriends brother.

Who's Next?

Echo (echo echo)

I just, not 2 minutes ago, saw a guy using a urinal while also talking to a client on his bluetooth. I'm all for multitasking, but would you wanna be the guy on the other end listening to him?

It gives you wings... so you can sit back in your seat.

The Red Bull in the Vending machine was accidentally programmed at $1.50 instead of $2.50 for a couple days.

There weren't lines that long at 1930's food rationing buildings...

No one rocks like this rock rocks.

For a job especially well done, we get these little cards that are called "Kudos To you" Cards, and they have a little picture of a Bee dancing on them. Then, with all seriousness (which has got to be hard i imagine), the person who nominates you has to give the reason why you received this "award". The favorite one i've received so far?

"You Rock,
(signed) Derek"

Now THATS a reason.

like a baseball bat to a printer/copier/fax

The best feeling i get from work isn't from a job well done, not a pat on the back from a boss or co-worker, not a sales goal met. It's when someone accuses me of doing something wrong, and when i check into it, it was thier fault.

Maybe i'm going into it with the wrong frame of mind, but damn it feel's good to be a gangsta....

First quater report

The Day after St. Patricks day tally:
%10 of the people in the buidling out, and another %30 here, but not really here.

Ah the luck-o-the-irish!

Like an STD, its contagious...

Today is a Hawiian themed casual day. They gave everyone free lays.

54 minutes into work, 3 terrible "lai" jokes already.... originality just seeps thru this place.

off the charts

The day after the superbowl is like land of the living dead around here. People are either hung over, have lost a bunch of money, or are just irritated because its monday.

I myself am a threefer, so where's my gold star?

Louis the IV

So there are layoffs coming, but for some reason, our company is not calling them "lay-offs", they are calling them:

(once again, drum roll please): Head count reduction.

Which puts this aweful picture of headless bodies typing away at a keyboard into my imagination. I guess its really not all that different than it is now....

Let's do the time warp again!

Update from the past (about a month ago):

This past Xmas, a coworker of mine and i convinced the company to throw an "ugly sweater contest", with actual gift cards for prizes. Sponsored by our company!

Awesome anyone?

Flip that calendar!

Today we received an email stating:

"We will be celebrating December birthdays tomorrow with food and beverages"

Which wouldn't be unusual, except that 1) it wasn't a typo, and 2) it's January 13th.