A long long time ago...

The gym upstairs at work has six different weight machines, and 3 of them have been broken for a month or two now. This would be surprising, except for the fact that all of them might have been made as part or roosevelts goverment job building programs of the 1930's...

So how about that netting...

May i have your attention please:
Spit guards will now be required for all people who are close talkers. Thanks you.

I'm #1 !!! I'm #1! !!

My coworker just told me that i'm number 1.

Thats what the middle finger is for, right?

There's a wall between us....

So i got a sneak peak at the newly remodled bathroom here at work, and there has never been anything more exciting in my work life. There is now a wall between were people shower and where i can use the bathroom.

I never have to worry about losing my appetite again!

2 + 2 = a long walk

There is a gym here at work that i try to go up to and exercise twice a week.

I bring this up only because everyday i'm willing to circle the parking lots for hours looking for a parking space 20 feet closer.

A Reverse Stripper

I was bet $5 by a coworker that i wouldn't wear this ridiculously ugly velvet christmas vest around for the day. How childish, right? who pays people in singles...

Also inappropriate for Foriegn Policy:

They say that honesty is the best policy, but that might not apply when telling a sales rep that I'll just mess up there clients orders enough times so that they have to do it themselves, and that way of thinking is a general strategy of mine.

Lets do, the time warp, again!

You definately know you're late when the people who start there shift 30 minutes after you are there before you...

Now if i can just stop this from happening the 20 or 25 times a year that it does...

That einstein sure was Einstein-y

Albert Einstein defined insanity as "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

This comes to mind today as one of my coworkers asked the same question three times in a row, and all three times got the same exact answer. Maybe he meant that it will drive the other people crazy...

The king and his Castle

So with the current recession, there have been whisperings and mumbling about upcoming firings, or "layoffs" as they are politely called, and i decided that it won't be me who is fired.

Not because of some awesome work productivity, or excellent communication skills, but because the Jester never gets fired by the Royal family, and i'm the enetertainment.

Office empires weren't built in a day.

The day before major holidays at work is a completely bi-polar experience. There is food everywhere, people are all relaxed, you're walking around and talking, and then you get back to your desk, and you forgot that there is a big pile of work sitting there for you.

I wondered if this is how the Romans felt...

Formal Warning

Memo to the world:
Don't "shush" me

I'll be the tiger, and you'll be sigfreid.

Who would have thought, it figured?

I think that there should be a government infomercial, also shown at all offices, that lets people know that %90 of the time that they use the word "ironic", they actually mean "coincidental". I know this is me being anal, but college educated, "professional" business people should know.

Whatareya gonna get...

When your boss's boss goes literally sprinting down the aisle behind you, it really makes you ponder the reason why.

I'm guessing: Hot pocket was burning.

Is this one of those " if you can't fix it, duck it" times?

So for awhile now my work has refused to take out the ultraviolet lights directly above my head, which cause me headaches on a regular basis. So today, after almost everyone left, i stood on my desk and took the out myself.

Sure, i cracked the entire light covering, but the scotch tape keeping the whole thing up is barely noticable...

DeEvolution

Everytime i have to retell a story at work it gets a little bit shorter each time, as if going from the novel to the cliffnotes version.

I'm guessing this is how cavemen started grunting, there were only 50 of them, and they had the same stories over and over.

Acronym L.O.V.E.

Attention:
Guy who decided everything needs to be an acronym:

Justify your Existance you Righteous Knucklehead

The tall boy and the hypocrate bear....

Having headphones on at work is the universal sign that you don't want to be talked to unless it's really important.

Apparently the person next to me didn't get the memo...

Is she having a seizure....

Today at work i uttered the phrase:

They were bracing for Hurricane Dance.

That is all.

Oh.My.God Becky....

Today at work, a co-worker and i were having a civil discussion about whether "Butts" or "Weiner" were a funnier last name in a shipping address...

Nothing but the utmost professionalism here at work.

5 out of 4 people are bad at math....

I do realize that math in this country doesn't seem to be a strong point, but someone should let the presenter of the last meeting know that %42 is not "about %50", especially when it comes to tens of millions of dollars.

I'm guessing this is how Enron ended up doing so well....

Thaw the turkey before you deepfry it...

Today we had a location wide meeting (population 274) about how we aren't hitting our sales goals.

Meanwhile, during this hour and ten minute meeting, most of the sales reps were off the phone, in the meeting...

sigh.

Health Note:

Memo to guy who walks around naked after taking a shower in work bathroom.

You are the number one cause of accidental male bulemia in this workplace.

One of these things is not like the other...

So in our vending machine for drinks there is an entire row (c1-c9) that is entirely bottled water, all the same brand, the same kind. For some reason i pick "c4" every time.

I wonder if i'm missing out on some magical taste sensations in the other rows, but i'm afraid if i pick a different one, it won't be as cool and refreshing...

The Adams Family

So i haven't called off a day in over four months. I'm not a creature who likes to come to work for that long consecutively.

Those people are called "freaks".

Rock, paper, scissors

Is there some sort of concept that i am missing about showing up to work early? I'm the only one in my group that isn't here 10 minutes early, and i'm pretty sure i'm not missing anything.

Except that weird secret handshake they have...

Cement Shoes

So we found out who the "snitch" is in out group, the one that's been telling on everybody, and well, haha, you know what we do to snitches in the office world:

Promotion to Upper Management.

If you should go skating, on the thin ice...

The rumor around town is that someone in a position that i want may or may not be getting "let go".

Sure, i feel like a terrible human being for wanting it to happen, but then the vision of the paycheck dances around in my head, and i feel like a horrible person with goals...

Closin' what you're opening...

There are people working on our roof today, and they had all the vents closed off...

I might be paranoid, but i think theyre slowly trying to trap us in here...

The end of everything as we know it.

Technically speaking, the system crashing isn't the end of the free world as we know, But from the looks on people faces, and the statements coming out of thier mouths, i feel like i should be climbing into a bomb shelter.



Hopefully there's a working wireless internet in there...

The Ying and the Yang

Antagonizing co-workers is one of my favorite work past times, it really makes the day go by faster.

Well, for one of us.

Outside the bubble

Wearing political buttons at work might seem like a no-no to people who are afraid to offend others.

I'm sure glad i'm not one of those people.

Help Desk 101

Attn: workers with limited computer skills:

The computer is not personally out to get you, it does not hold grudges, and yelling at it doesn't do a whole lot to improve the situation. Thank you.

Which ones have the masks?

It's Halloween and most people are dressed up here at work (including myself).

So this is what it's like to be able to laugh at people to thier face!

Smells like cancer and science to me

"What goes up, must come down."

That quote is for you, canned air users.

A secure feeling

In order to get into the building, we have a James Bond style swipe card, which i am sure is impenetrable.

It would be impressive if the visitor door, which is completely unsecured and unlocked at all times, wasn't 25 feet to the left.

From office chairs to impatient beds

There is so much hacking and coughing today, you would think it's a hospital ward.

If it was, then me passing out wouldn't be quite so awkward...

The Office Crier

Why does one person in the office always have to announce wordly bad news to people, and it always starts the same way:

"did you guys hear...?"

Those people stood on streetcorners and yelled " The british are coming" in past lives.

Wasn't there a rule where you don't talk about religion and...something at work? what was that other thing again?

Today at work i told someone that i base my political beliefs off facts and figures, and that they based their beliefs off Internet rumors and lies.

I think i can pinpoint the exact moment in time where we stopped being friends.

Asleep from the wheel

On the way home from work today, i went thru a toll booth where the toll booth lady was asleep, and all i could think was:

"I'm so jealous of the job you have"

Office Gemini

This was the email i actually sent out today:
"I will be working 10:30 – 7pm tomorrow. Thanks."

This is the email i really wanted to send out today:
"I will be making paper airplanes out of all your orders between 10:30 and 7, as usual, I say thanks but no thanks to your questions and inquiries, goodbye"

The nightmare before Halloween

There are bowls of candy everywhere in the office because it's nearly Halloween, but today i noticed a desk with (drum roll please) : apples.

It's like that house when you were a kid that handed out dental floss and granola... just shut your front porch lights off so i know not to come.

the red could be for anger

So getting your face sunburned at an outdoor sporting event on sunday, then coming into work on a monday, in October, in New york, is an interesting experiment.

No, i don't have the number to the closest tanning bed.

The Sarcastic man meets his Anniversary

For our One Year Anniversary here, we get a little plastic pretend champagne bottle with red candy in it, and a "Happy Anniversary" sticker on the front.

Maybe for my second year i'll get some soda pop.

Gramma, can i borrow your sweater?

Friday's are the office equivelent of christmas.

Terrible "dress down" sweaters and all.

Lepors and Lemurs and Snack-Cakes, oh my!

Nothing makes you feel more like the office lepor than when you don't participate in the "bring-in-food for everyones birthday" day of the month.

Except for when they then put all the food at the empty desk next to you.

Urgent Policy Update:

A coworker of mine just mentioned that someone was out sick today. Then three different people, right after one another, asked : "Who's out today?"

When i am president, there will be free hearing aids for all!

A mid 20's career change.

I need a job where if i come in hung over on monday, it won't affect me quite so much.

I'm thinking brain surgeon.

The shallow end of the pool.

A new girl started this past monday, and i had bet in our pool that she'd be gone by wednesday.

She's still here, so i guess i lost and won.

Appreciated like a 40 degree turkey sandwhich

So far during "Customer Service Appreciation week" we've received: donughts/pie, Cider/orange juice, and a soft lunchbox bag thing.

I'll let you draw you're own conclusion on how appreciated we are.

Office Astronomy

Free coffee and Donughts, then free pizza and wings, it's as if the stars aligned in office world.

Which is good, because i'll need zero gravity after i'm 400 pounds.

28 days later: Corporate America Style

There is nothing like a sick co-worker to spread the feeling of eminent self-doom. Someone should have warned me a surgical mask might be too much.

The rats have opposable thumbs

Canned air is to offices what cheez-whiz is to dairy.

And they both cause cancer.

The Coming together of an Oak Desk and a Kneecap

I had a meeting for my mid year review today, and everything was "meets expectations".

Apprently they have very low expectations.

The People are hovering like crows over bodies

A coworker of mine and i put a candy bowl filled with chocolate and candy inbetween two desks today.

I've never been more popular.

The echo effect

The beauty of working in an office is hearing the same story several different times, from several different people.

Who are all liars.

The Adventures of Back Pain at Work

Never tell your coworkers that you threw out your back while bending down to tie your shoes. I should have told them i was lifting a car to save someone's life.

The Staring Contest

Last night at work, i had a staring contest with the vending machine.

I lost, but the milky way helped dull the pain.